Imagined
Matthew McConaughey’s Shirt: Um, it’s been a while since you’ve worn me.
Matthew McConaughey: What?
Matthew McConaughey’s Shirt: You’re always doing all these movies and you never put me on anymore. I get that you have a nice body for an old man, but c’mon. Throw some threads a bone.
Matthew McConaughey: That’s not true, man. I wore you a lot in “U-571.”
Matthew McConaughey’s Shirt: That was 12 years ago. And approximately seven people saw that movie. Now you’re in some male stripper flick and I don’t even make a single appearance.
Matthew McConaughey: Look brother, I’ve been meaning to put you on more. It’s just hard, y’know?
Matthew McConaughey’s Shirt: What’s hard?
Matthew McConaughey: My abs. See what I did there, man?
Matthew McConaughey’s Shirt: Sigh. Yes. Your comedy chops are on par with your acting “skills” apparently.
Matthew McConaughey: Aw man. Don’t be like that. I wear you to all the award shows.
Matthew McConaughey’s Shirt: Sure, but then you immediately come home, discard me on the bed then flex into the mirror for several hours.
Matthew McConaughey: The world deserves to see my body, aight man?
Matthew McConaughey’s Shirt: The world isn’t in the backyard at 3am when you’re stoned as fuck and beating randomly on your bongos. Put me on more often, you goddamned hippie.
Matthew McConaughey: I’ll work on it, buddy. It’s just that I keep getting older but my abs keep staying the same age: firm as hell.
Matthew McConaughey’s Shirt: …That doesn’t make any sense. Are you high right now?
Matthew McConaughey: Maybe, man. Maybe.
