May 2012
6 posts
2 tags
Bacheloretted
Caught the season premiere of “The Bachelorette” last evening. The producers have really outdone themselves this time, scouring our vast country for an elite group of devilishly handsome guys who may or may not be legally retarded. These potential suitors made sure to put their best foot in their mouth forward and Emily really appreciated it. (Or at least I think she did. It’s very...
“Everyday you wake up the pain is a little less. Then one day you wake up and the...”
– Swingers
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3 tags
Broke up with her boyfriend
One of my best lady friends just ended things with her boyfriend. She’s like a little sister to me. We’ve got the kind of relationship wherein I regularly call her Gutterslut or Troll, since she’s 3’2”, then hold her back by pushing on her forehead while her tiny Tyrannosaurus arms swing angrily in the empty space between us.
Guttertroll fell for a boy who she felt a connection with like never...
1 tag
“There are only three things to be done with a woman. You can love her, suffer...”
– Henry Miller
April 2012
13 posts
Instant Messaged
Her: Isn’t there a rap song where a guy whispers “beat that pussy up”
Her: Did you write that?
Me: No. I pulverize the pussy. Put that shit in a blender and hit puree.
3 tags
Tried to find love in the club
A friend, newly transplanted to New York, was lamenting about her latest dickweasel of a suitor (She doesn’t have great taste in men.) I asked where they met. She named a popular nightclub in Chelsea and said he worked there, prompting the rest of us around the dinner table to emit a low groan. As she stared, taken aback, someone offered her particularly sage advice: “Don’t date guys who work in...
Instant Messaged
Her: I don’t know why I still say “we” when I refer to my old job. I think I have Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: HA. That’s better than Helsinki Handjobdrome.
Her: ex CUSE me. What?! What is Helsinki Handjobdrome? I don’t know why I’m even asking.
[[MORE]]Me: When you give people handjobs for no reason. Duh.
Me: Was that not clear?
Her: Of course it is. You have that issue?
Me: No but...
1 tag
I really wish Tumblr let you “like” comments and responses under your own posts because you guys always have fantastic ones.
3 tags
Asked
When’s the last time you got laid? How was it?
3 tags
Broke someone else's heart
For a while, I pseudo-dated a girl who lives in another country. Nothing was ever defined in terms of labeling the situation, though I find her to be a fantastic person and vice-versa. For a while, it was good, but entering into a long distance relationship wasn’t something I was ready for. And continuing on with our current back and forth was doing more harm to both of us than good. She...
Friend visiting from home: I got a new job working at the airport, so I know what I’m going to say to any models we meet when we’re out.
Me: What’s that?
Friend: ‘Hi. We both work on the runway.’
“All day, all night
I got the lights in my eyes
And I’m falling for you
Keep...”
– “Lessons in Love” by Kaskade ft. Neon Trees
cupcakesandzebs asked: Where the hell have you been?
1 tag
Wondered what happened
Last night, I sat alone on the couch in my underwear, ordered Italian food (they forgot the meatballs. Assholes.), drank some beers and several scotches while watching two straight hours of Real Housewives of Orange County. As my time with Alexis ended – my favorite due to her complete lack of intelligence - and I thumbed through my DVR list wondering how I’d pass the rest of the night, the same...
February 2012
14 posts
1 tag
Instant Messaged
With a friend about plans this week.
Me: I’m going to give you such a wedgie on Thursday.
Her: You’re not going to come near me Thursday. I’m going to bring a tazor.
Me: I have never heard of a tazor.
Me: I hope it’s nothing like a taser.
Her: You knew what I meant. STOP CORRECTING ME.
Me: You spelled “correcting” wrong.
Her: No I didn’t.
Me: I know. But I made...
“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.”
– Bill Watterson (via daywalkertalker)
1 tag
1 tag
Firmed up a date
Instant messaging with a date for later tonight.
Me: Just want you to know how special you are to me because I’m canceling my viewing party of the Bachelor for our date tonight.
Me: #TheMoreYouKnow
Her: I feel half awfully special but half concerned that you have a weekly Bachelor viewing party…
Me: Answers like that make me like you more. It’s technically a party of one....
2 tags
Texted
With an ex-fling.
Me: We are at an impasse.
Her: This is true. What do we do about this?
Me: Send me a picture of your nipple. I will do the same.
Her: That is not fair trade.
Me: Nip for nip? How is it unfair?
Her: Because seeing a guy’s nipple is like seeing a guy’s sideburn.
Me: No it’s not. Or else we’d have nipples on the sides of our faces.
2 tags
This is the funniest thing I have read in a month.... →
Follow this man immediately.
daywalkertalker:
It’s a shitty, rainy day here in Manhattan and for the first time in a while I decided to stay shacked up in my office and have my lunch delivered to me. Little did I know that a mere 83 minutes later I’d feel terrible about myself and ultimately my decision making.
12:55- My stomach emits a…
ladyfen asked: Help a girl out, I'm pining hard for my friend's older brother. How do I get him to start seeing me as the 20 year old I am and not the little girl I was when we first met?
2 tags
This made me laugh and smile. →
inherhazeleyes:
Having spent the past few weeks going through somewhat of an emotional time with someone in particular, I’ve been thinking a lot about myself as a person. What’s important to me? What are things I want in my life? What are things I can’t live without? Oddly enough, thinking about relationships…
1 tag
Instant Messaged
Her: If we’re both still single in five years, can we have some sort of suicide pact? I want to go out in a bang, and not with an army of smelly cats.
Me: No. But I’ll definitely kill you. And just continue on with my life.
Her: Fair.
January 2012
10 posts
1 tag
Had an awkward first date moment
Me: What’s this scar on your hip from?
Her: …It’s a stretch mark.
Me: …Oh.
“There are plenty of fish in the sea. I just happen to suck at fishing.”
1 tag
1 tag
Tried to pen erotica
A female friend recently revealed that she reads erotica novels on her e-reader with a staggering frequency. Having never read anything with Fabio featured on the cover, I asked her to send me some passages from the books. She first declined, claiming the e-reader wouldn’t let her copy and paste, but after some persistence, she finally sent me a paragraph of her choosing from one of the...
Analyzed the overemotional FB post
For years I have been tired of seeing overly emotional Facebook posts from people that I do not care about in the least. I’m actually running out of people to unsubscribe/hide/whatever-Facebook-is-calling-that-option-this-week. But it seems as though the overwrought post knows no bounds; it strikes from all angles, from seemingly normal friends and loved ones, and often without warning.
...
5 tags
December 2011
16 posts
My midnight smooch will probably end up being @Hercules_STS or @Odysseus_STS. Who are you going to kiss tonight?
1 tag
Dashed off an original Christmas poem →
I wrote this last year, high on egg-nog, scotch, Percocet and that feeling that comes from spending way too much time with your family. I haven’t reached that point this year, but rest assured when I do, I’ll tackle another holiday classic. In the meantime, enjoy my take on T’was The Night Before Christmas.
“Hello there. You’ve got a lovely everything.”
4 tags
Dated rapidly
Walking into my first speed-dating event, if I had to sum up atmosphere in one word, it would’ve been, “A room largely full of awkward people.” If you gave me an additional word, I would’ve added, “Holy fuck, some of them look downright painful.” Time would eventually prove this hypothesis largely true, but we’d already paid, put on clean underwear and shown up. Might as well give the...
“Kiss me like you miss me, fuck me like you hate me”