Anonymous
How do dudes get rid of a friendship that is seriously toxic, when the friend is tightly woven into their friend group? Is this just a girl problem? This girl is the worst to me, but I can't rid myself of her without getting rid of the bunch.

Man, dudes do not do this. When you asked this, I was out with some close guy friends and I read this aloud and none of us could think of a single time that we had this issue. If we don’t like another guy, we just don’t hang out with him. Pure and simple. I think thefrenemy is most suited to answer this question. 

Cubano’d

One month from today, we will be touching down in Havana. Anyone been? Recommendations?

On Failure

When The Stranger asks The Dude how he’s doing towards the end of The Big Lebowski, The Dude replies, “Strikes and gutters, ups and downs.” My last few months haven’t seen any strikes and I can barely hit the gutters. I’ve devolved into that guy who goes to throw the ball, but releases it so poorly that it flies up into the ceiling. 

In 2013, I took a year off from working in an industry I loathed to pursue my creative interests and shift my career. With this time, I poured myself into several projects that I was passionate about and could envision working out to great success. To survive, I drew from my savings, which diminished faster than anticipated, but I wasn’t too worried. Things looked good. The right people were interested, lavishing praise often. Scrooge McDuck sums of money were discussed as realistic payments. Most importantly, these were projects I proud to put my name on, a feeling not often resulting from work efforts. And then, this month, each fell apart spectacularly, for different reasons, all of which were beyond my control.

Read More

Got Mail

*Fetches mail*

*Sees envelope from IRS*

*See it’s one of those tan envelopes that have the refund checks, and not a stupid white envelope that’s demanding more money*

*Does little dance in mail room*

*Rushes into apartment and dances around girlfriend, singing “I’m gonna be riiiich!” in an annoying, French accent that bears little semblance to an actual French accent.*

*Tears open envelope*

Read More

Things that should go fuck themselves

Pigeons

People who check their phone in a movie

Girls who use “literally” incorrectly

People who think irregardless is a word

Expensive printer ink

Republicans

Gun rights activists

McDonalds for not offering the Shamrock Shake year round

Service charges

The Big Bang Theory (CBS’s version, not Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s)

People who make you wait while they finish a text/email/tweet

Cantaloupe

Lady Gaga’s sense of what’s shocking

The Naked Cowboy (he’s neither naked nor a cowboy. He’s from Ohio.)

Adverbs

“Woo!” girls

Girls who require six tries to take one picture they like

Tofu bacon

Florida

White whiskies

People who don’t understand satire

Buzzfeed’s quizzes

Anyone who watches you hit the elevator button, then hits it right afterwards

The VIP section of any nightclub

Kimye

Bars that upcharge for ice

Beliebers

Most of Bravo’s programming (Top Chef should not fuck itself)

Trolls (Internet or bridge-dwelling)

Opponents of marijuana legalization

Canadians (for their polite scorn)

Raw onions

Cold-press juice stores

Performance artists

Long lines

Packs of shouting teenagers on the subway

PR girls

Guys who use “Bro” unironically

Anonymous
Your blog is fantastic.

MOM, GET OFF MY TUMBLR. 

Me: You never listen to me.

My girlfriend: What?

Me:  Girls fuck with guys all the time.
Her:  How?
Me:  Seriously? Flirt to get a free drink. Flirt simply for a self-esteem boost. Use sexuality to get what they want. It’s not endemic only to your gender, but your gender does it more often and with greater ease.
Her:  Because your gender is dumb.

On Insecurity

Anonymous asked: Any advice for a girl who is insecure about her looks? All through high school I was picked on by the mean girls for my big nose, and I want to shake it off for once and all before I start college in fall.

Firstly, I’m sure your nose is perfectly adorable. From an earlier post on the subject matter: You can’t put yourself down. You can’t fret over who doesn’t like you or who’s mean to you. Life is exactly like high school; there’s always going to be that one asshole that, for no discernible reason, treats you like shit. Start ignoring and drowning them out now; it’s a skill set that will always come in handy. Fuck the haters. You cannot possibly please everyone you will come into contact with during your life. Chalk up the losers in the loss column and move on.

Besides, all the “popular” mean girls in my high school amounted to jack shit afterwards. The majority didn’t make it through college, few left the area, and most occupy menial jobs, if at all employed. Karma will kick them in the ass, and maybe you’ll be around to see it, maybe you won’t. But rest assured, some day, some how, they will get their comeuppance.

On getting high before the DMV

Me: I’m working today but If you want to get stoned before you go to the DMV, I’d be happy to help.
Friend:  Perhaps after DMV. I don’t want to be stoned for my picture. 
Me:  Yes, you do. That way if you get pulled over and you’re stoned, the cop will be like “Waiiiit a minute. You’re baked. *Looks at license* Oh nevermind. This is just how you look.”