Please help settle a massive debate between my friends and I: Is Courtney from The Bachelor hot?
Me: What’s this scar on your hip from?
Her: …It’s a stretch mark.
Me: …Oh.
“There are plenty of fish in the sea. I just happen to suck at fishing.”
#truth.
Source meinmyplace.com
Not quite sure what’s the sadder truth within this photo: that I know sixteen of her “friends” or that her Facebook name starts with “Princess.”
Since I’m not really human - a fact which many of you have pointed out in pointed private messages over the years - I obviously deserve the Shorty Award for #nonhuman. Agree? Help an anonymous dater out over here. Feel free to follow me on the Twitter too: @Sothenshe.
A female friend recently revealed that she reads erotica novels on her e-reader with a staggering frequency. Having never read anything with Fabio featured on the cover, I asked her to send me some passages from the books. She first declined, claiming the e-reader wouldn’t let her copy and paste, but after some persistence, she finally sent me a paragraph of her choosing from one of the books:
‘I can’t hold back. I need…’ His strokes quickened. Deepened. Then Blake shouted and his cock jerked inside of her. He groaned when she squeezed his thick shaft with her interior muscles. Enthralled with his primitive response, she didn’t notice his hand dipping between her legs until he started lightly thrusting again in time to his stroking finger.
I asked her what happened next. I got back this:
‘Come for me.’ He canted his pelvis, changing the angle so the head of his cock rubbed inside on the spot below her pubic bone. Willow lost it. Her pussy and clit pulsed together, sending her into an orgasm that robbed her of breath. Through the sexual haze floating over her she felt Blake place his hands over hers on the rail. He murmured, ‘Now I know.’
Then I told her to make up the next paragraph. She complied and this made its way to my inbox:
He murmured, ‘Now I know … what makes you come undone.’ Willow, sated and reveling in the orgasm that just shook her to the core, she cannot help but wonder what other tricks Blake has up his sleeves.
Then she told me it was my turn. I obliged:
For years I have been tired of seeing overly emotional Facebook posts from people that I do not care about in the least. I’m actually running out of people to unsubscribe/hide/whatever-Facebook-is-calling-that-option-this-week. But it seems as though the overwrought post knows no bounds; it strikes from all angles, from seemingly normal friends and loved ones, and often without warning.
Dial up the bookface and they begin nearly instantly. My first girlfriend is literally crying about her bad manicure, which somehow leads into her hatred of her job and thus life. A former co-worker lost this week’s fantasy football, obviously warranting a tirade which ends up spanning the gamut from what he’d like to do to certain players to why Obama care is ruining his life. Then there’s the moron I went to high school with who is ranting about how the Democratic national committee is personally attacking his beliefs and how it affects his ability to feed his daughter. This loser also likes every single one of his own Facebook posts, an act I believe should be punished by death by garroting by iron collar.
Anyway, after staring at a staggering number of these pathetic posts, I’ve figured out how how you can replicate them in your own feed! Won’t this be annoying to anyone you’ve ever friended? Let’s get started!
Start with a lot of sighing. Sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh. Then, a woe about current life troubles - that aren’t really grave or troubling in any way - comes next followed by with a sad emoticon kicker :’(
Now, spin a personal tale both way too personal and too off topic to be told in any social media setting. Be sure to pepper in some bad speeling and grammar usage, and extraneous “y”, “u” and “o” letters are always good to toss in in. (Never hurts to mention God and your children, too.) Then cap it off with an obvious slight to someone who is undeniably better friends with everyone than you (that skank) and always gets more likes on his or her posts.
End with an uplifting, hackneyed quote from Oscar Wilde or Sex in the City or something so overused, even the author would vomit upon the sight of it and plop in a positive emoticon - :)
Viola! You’ve got a facebook post that will make everyone who ever glances at it instantly hate you! Yayyyy for youuu!!
“….I realized what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was just knowing her and I thought of that old joke, you know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, ‘Doc, uh, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken,’ and uh, the doctor says, ‘well why don’t you turn him in?’ And the guy says, ‘I would, but I need the eggs.’ Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but uh, I guess we keep going through it…because…most of us need the eggs.” ~ A line from Woody Allen’s ‘Annie Hall’ and a picture from Bravo’s ‘Seemingly Real Housewives of SomeCityOrTownNear-ishToWhereYouLive,’
I have taken drugs (the legal kind) and am loopy and funny. for the next 22 minutes, I will be chatting with anyone who can handle me over at Gchat. The names Sothenshe. IM if you daresies!
My midnight smooch will probably end up being @Hercules_STS or @Odysseus_STS. Who are you going to kiss tonight?
May your 2012 be filled with loads of sex and negative STD tests.
Merry Christmas. May your day end similarly to this.
I wrote this last year, high on egg-nog, scotch, Percocet and that feeling that comes from spending way too much time with your family. I haven’t reached that point this year, but rest assured when I do, I’ll tackle another holiday classic. In the meantime, enjoy my take on T’was The Night Before Christmas.
